Peinful Hell
by Once Was AHR
Summary: Pein is all alone with orange boy wonder Tobi, and the rest of the Akatsuki is DEAD. Then a mysterious voice offers him a chance to revive all his fallen warriors. But what’s the price? First attempt at a comedic piece. COMPLETE
1. Death Comes to All

**Ok, this is my first attempt at a comedic fan fiction, so I don't know how funny it is. Basically, the plot is that Pein is all alone with orange boy wonder Tobi, and the rest of the Akatsuki is DEAD. Then a mysterious voice offers him a chance to revive all his fallen warriors. But what's the price? **

Dead.

Everyone was completely and utter dead.

That was what Pein mournfully thought as he was stuck in a small dank cellar with an all to cheerful Tobi. Tobi had been running around the cellar for eight hours straight yelling at the top of his lungs TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!! It was annoying the first time, after eight hours, Pein was surprised he had not been driven insane.

How did this happen?

Oh yeah, everyone had to go and freaking die.

Sasori had been the first to go, and died because of an old lady, and a fifteen year old. How he ever made it into the Akatsuki was beyond Pein.

Then Hidan and Kakuzu had been killed in one go, despite the fact they were both PRACTICALLY IMMORTAL!

Then Deidara had gone and committed suicide for the sake of art, and killing Sasuke (Not that it even worked, mind you)

Itachi had then been killed by the very same Sasuke.

Konan had died because of a paper cut.

Zetsu then got into an argument with himself, and decided to see a therapist. He was never seen again. Although Pein had been mildly suspicious when he saw posters for a musical called ''Little Shop of Horrors' opening.

All that was left, was Kisame (who had killed Sasukes little minions in about five seconds flat), Madara, a deranged Sasuke, and the other seven Peins.

Madara Uchiha, had cleverly disguised himself as Tobi, in order to have people underestimate him. He had been looking through some old scrolls when some ancient jutsu had caught his eye.

'Transdimenional Alternate Reality Jutsu'

Apparently, it was supposed to cause a catastrophe at epic proportions. So he tried it out.

And in a flash of an instant, Kisame and the other seven Peins were gone.

Madara had not disappeared but for some reason, he had changed. Instead of being the strong, logical Uchiha was, he turned into a naïve fool. Not a single sentence was uttered without a hug, or a 'Tobi is a good boy!'

After a bit of research, he was able to find out what had happened to Kisame and the other Peins.

Kisame had landed in 'Sushi' restaurant. Despite have huge amounts of chakra and a bad ass sword, Kisame had been no match against the power of a Sushi knife. He was killed in precisely two seconds, where he was then served to the guests, who all liked it, but complained it tasted to 'sharky'.

The five Peins however, were doing marvelously well, and had been accepted into yet ANOTHer musical, where they would play something called the 'Von trappe family'.

They were dead to Pein.

"TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!!"

"TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!!"

"TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!!"

"TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!!"

"TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!!"

Pein covered his ears. "Shut the hell up Tobi!"

Tobi responded by hugging Pein and proclaiming they were friends till the end. Pein wanted to kill Tobi so badly, but didn't. Why? Because He had already tried to kill Tobi 35 times already, and each time only ended up with things ended up being bad for Pein. It wasn't worth it.

Now, he was stuck in a cellar. He had tried to kill Tobi by making a sinkhole. Unfortunately, he had plunged along with Tobi, and had ended up in a cellar large enough to hold the entire village hidden in the clouds.

And for some god damn reason, the walls were not affected by chakra. At all.

Pein buried his face in his hands. Life sucked.

_You look really pathetic right now Pein-kun._

Pein looked up. He had heard a distinctly feminine voice. Who had said that?

"You hear something Tobi?"

Tobi stopped running around and paused.

"No Tobi did not Pein-sama! But Tobi is a good boy! Tobi will tell Pein-sama if he hears anything! Because Tobi is a-"

Pein didn't even bother to listen to whatever Tobi would say, since it would without a doubt be gleeful, happy, optimistic, and something about being a good boy. It was official. Pein was going insane. It was about time too. If he had waited much longer, Pein would have just pulled out his piercings one by one, just so he could die of blood loss. Why had he never learned a suicidal jutsu? Or at least carry a kunai with him?

_No Pein-kun. You are not going insane._

Pein rolled his eyes. "Sure I'm not."

_You see Pein-kun; I am here to offer you the chance of a lifetime._

Pein just shrugged. If this is what being insane was like, it was really overrated. Not a single killer squirrel in sight. No change of scenery, no hallucinations at all, just a voice. A voice that called him Pein-kun. If this voice had a body, then that body would have been torn to many shreds for calling him that.

Tobi looked up and tilted his head. "Can I call you Pein-kun too Pein-sama? I think I should because Tobi is a good boy!"

Peins' eye twitched. Tobi heard the voice too! Did this mean he wasn't really insane?

_I have a proposition for you Pein-kun._

Pein just made a defiant finger gesture, "Yeah right" he snarled.

Tobi gasped from such a formation of the hand and proceeded to have several convulsions, and finally fall to the ground, twitching like a dead cockroach, ominously muttering under his breath 'Pein is a bad boy'.

The mysterious voice, was not like Tobi and did not enjoy it when people defied her. Instead of gasping, crying, or retorting back, she did something a bit cleverer.

A small streak of lightning hit Peins one finger, and it fell off.

…

Pein was officially freaked out, now seeing he had only four fingers on one hand. He paled considerably, and backed himself into a corner.

_Now, are you listening Pein-kun?_

Pein nodded.

_I can revive anyone you want. Friend or foe. I can create the ultimate army for your conquest. And all you have to do is fill out a little request._

Pein was listening very carefully now, since it had to do with no longer being alone with Tobi. "What sort of request?" He asked, regaining a bit of his confidence back.

_All you have to do, is Get the true love of each person I revive."_

"WHAT?!" Pein sputtered. True love? They were villains for god's sake! They had no true love!

_Or…at least just a person of the opposite gender who they have met before, and would like to share a bed with._

Pein was speechless. He really didn't trust this voice at all. But, if he ever wanted to get away from the horror that was Tobi, he had no choice. Besides, Most of the dead Akatsuki members never loved at all (he hoped) so it was fine.

He grinned evilly. "You have yourself a deal Mysterious voice."

_You may call me A.H.R-dono._

Pein did not protest but wrinkled his nose on the fact he would have to call someone that. But once he had his Akatsuki back, everything would be fine.

_Now, I will perform the jutsu…_

'_Ninpou…Life Revival; Deus ex Machina; Fan Fiction style no jutsu!_

A huge blinding light appeared at the other end of the cellar. And out came a bunch of shadowy figures, one after another. Pein grinned maniacally. He would now finally get his army back.

_Alright, Now, since Sasori-kun was the first to die, he gets first pickings!_

Pein rushed towards them. They all got up awkwardly, since being dead was not good for the physique. Sasori looked up, and nodded.

"Thank you A.H.R-dono"

Pein frowned. How did everyone else know the mysterious voice? And what's worse was they didn't seem to object to calling her 'dono'. It made him sick. He would just have to avoid calling the mysterious voice by a name.

_Now Sasori-kun, who would you like to be your OTP?_

What the hell was an Otp?

Sasori pondered. After a couple of moments his eyes lit up (or at least, for a puppet).

"When I died, There was this girl who fought against me. She was pretty hot."

_Ooh! You want Sakura-chan? Aww… ok Pein-kun! Go get her!_

Pein blinked. Wait…him…get…her? "Whaddya mean!? Why do I have to get her?!"

Sasori rolled his eyes, and some murmuring came from the shadowy figures in the back. All he could distinguish was a couple of curse words that, without a doubt came from Hidan.

The mysterious voice just laughed.

_You're the one who has to fill out the request! Weren't you listening before? Here, I'll be nice; I'll even transport you to her whereabouts!_

And in that instant, Pein was gone. He found himself in a grassy field, in the last place he had wanted to see in a long time.

Konohagakure.

**Well, that's how it starts! I hope it was slightly funny, and the next chapters will be funnier. Promise! Oh, and my Tobi is based on the fact everyone always seems to characterize Tobi as an adhd optimist who always says Tobi is a good boy. Let's get something straight. Zetus said that. And Tobi is Madara Uchiha. **


	2. Confusion and Chaos

**Hey! Guess what I just update :) I would like to thank Ayase Reincarnated for my first and only review, but I did get a couple of story alerts, so that means some people must be reading this. Now, I guarantee nothing, only that I do not own Naruto. So if it's unfunny, stupid, or horridly boring, just tell me.**

Konoha was the epiphany of happiness. The Akatsuki was gone, Naruto was safe, Sasuke was back, and (almost) no one had died.

Pein absolutely loathed it. For some reason, no one seemed bother that an orange haired Akatsuki metal face was walking around Konohagakure. He caught a brief glimpse of himself in a passing mirror, and sputtered in surprised.

He was disguised as a girl. Not just a girl, but a very busty girl. He had long flowing blonde hair, and almost seemed like the creation of a perverted jutsu…

With a shudder he turned another corner and a thought reached his head.

Who the hell was Sakura?

Pein felt like hitting his head multiple times. He had never met this so called 'Sakura'. This was just perfect. He would be stuck the rest of his life as a girl. Worse, he could only date people who were _yuri_…

"Excuse me Lady-chan!!"

Pein turned and saw a young kid with orange goggles and a black jacket. He didn't look familiar, but his voice was very grating. Just like…

"I'm looking for Pein-sama! Have you seen him! Tobi is a good boy!"

Pein grabbed the now much shorter Tobi by his ear and growled.

"Tobi you Baka! I'M Pein!"

Tobis' eyes widened. Then a huge silly grin broke over his face.

"That makes you a good girl right Pein-sama?"

"When we are done, I will kill you Tobi. Or better yet, I'll cook you and feed you to HIDAN!"

Tobi just laughed.

"Good one Pein-sama! But A.H.R-dono sent me a message 'cause you're useless! And I'm giving it to you! Because Tobi is a good boy!!"

Peins eyes narrowed. "What message"

"A.H.R-dono says Sakura-chan has pink hair and green eyes! If you find Sasuke, you'll find her!"

Pein clenched his teeth together. Sasuke. Figured that bastard would be here. He had been a victim of Madaras' jutsu episode, but unlike everyone else, he was fine. When he saw the other Uchiha go loco, he fled and Pein had not seen him since.

They walked aimlessly for quite awhile, attempting to find Sasuke or Sakura. But no such luck. It soon seemed hopeless.

"…But Kakashi-sensei! Sasuke-teme is such a bastard! How can I…Kakashi-sensei?"

Pein cocked his head and saw the two ninjas fool enough to utter the name Sasuke. One was tall and had a mask that covered most of his face. The other one was the Kyuubi. Pein resisted the urge to try and attack him right now. That would have to wait. He had to get some back up first.

The mask man was staring right at them, and the Kyuubi was staring at Kakashi. Correction, he wasn't staring at them. He was staring at Tobi.

The one eye that could be seen was very, very wide. He stared directly at Tobi and bent over so they had direct eye contact.

"O…Obito…??"

Tobi giggled. "My name is Tobi!! We're looking for Sakura!!"

The Kyuubi scowled, and muttered something about everyone wanting Sakura.

Mask man kept staring at Tobi. "You…you look exactly…like…Obito…"

The Kyuubi walked up to Pein and stared at him confused. "Konohamaru?" He asked confused.

Pein shook his head. "uhh….no…"

Kyuubi looked even closer. "Why are you using my sexy jutsu?"

Mask man kept staring. And staring. And staring. And staring. And he wasn't blinking. He feebly poke Tobi on the head. Tobi stepped back and rubbed his head.

"That hurt stranger-chan!"

Naruto took a bit more action and poked both of them and attempted to release the jutsu. It worked

Sort of.

Tobi was no longer Obito. He was the Second hokage.

Pein looked down on himself. He was a lot paler…

"Oi!! Haku?! Your dead 'Tebayo!"

Kakashi blinked again. Instead of being awed, he seemed furious. Fear that Pein never knew he had over took him. All knowledge of any jutsu he once had was gone.

"RUN AWAY TOBI!! RUN AWAY!!"

And that's just what they did. They kept on running. Pein didn't even hear anything chasing him, but he didn't want to take chances. And as fate would have it, he was not watching where he was going…

BLAM

Pein found him face to face with Sasuke Uchiha.

Sasuke, did not notice two seemingly dead people had ran into him, and just ran past them. He seemed very scared. Pein got up scratching his head, and his now very long hair. What was his problem?

He got his answer…

"Oh SASUKE-KUN!!"

There, running after Sasuke, and not far behind, was a girl with pink hair and green eyes. Tobi/Second Hokage jumped up excitedly. "We found her Pein-sama! We found her found her found her!!"

So they now ran after Sakura. And despite several people staring awkwardly at the fact a dead man was running through the streets, and two ninja were trying to get them, nothing happened.

Almost.

They finally, after some effort were able to tackle Sakura to the ground. This dispelled there jutsu, and they turned to two new people.

Tobi was now the _fourth_ Hokage.

Pein didn't know who he was, but apparently he had red hair, and wore some sort of cape, and carried something heavy on his back.

Not that it mattered, For now Pein had gotten his senses together, and was able to teleport far far away from Konoha.

Well, actually only twenty feet away. Pein cursed and tried again. Nothing happened.

Tobi/Minato grinned happily and lifted the now knocked out Sakura up.

"A.H.R-dono said she'll teleport us Pein-sama!"

Pein groaned. "Stop calling her that dammit. I'm the godly one here."

_Want to say that again Pein-kun?_

Pein jumped up, and against his better judgment, made another obscene hand gesture.

_What's the point of shaking your fist at me Pein-kun?_

Right, he only had four fingers on that hand. You couldn't flip a person off if you did not have a middle finger.

Sakura began to shift, and it would not be long before she woke up.

"TELEPORT US DAMMIT!" Pein bellowed to the sky, sensing someone was coming up fast.

…_your forgetting the magic words…_

"Teleport us Dammit _please._"

_Oh come now Pein-kun, all you have to do is say my name._

Pein clenched his teeth. Not in a million billion years.

The ninja couldn't be more than thirty feet away.

_Pein-kun…_

"No"

Twenty…

_Pein-kun…_

"Not gonna happen"

Ten…

_NOW Pein-kun!!_

"grr… fine. A.H.R-do- "

Zero feet away.

Sasuke threw a fist at Pein and pinned him up against a tree. "Your not Gaara" He snarled.

Gaara? The Shukaku?

"Very good eyes. I am Pein. Leader of the Akatsuki. Release me or die."

Sasuke looked quizzically at the Fourth Hokage who was not playing patticake with an unconscious Sakura.

A second later he tightened his grip and turned his attention to the faux Gaara.

"Was this all a trap?" The Uchiha demanded. "You were using _her_ as bait to get to _me_?"

Pein shook his head disgustedly. How dare that arrogant prick suspect he was the reason.

"Wrong Uchiha. We are here for Sakura. Not for you. We are kidnapping her. Capiche?"

Sasuke looked back at Sakura, then back at Pein. Sakura. Pein. Sakura. Pein.

"Forever?" He asked with a monotone voice.

Pein shrugged and nodded. No point in lying right?

Faint noises. Other ninjas were heading towards them. Sasuke released Pein and stepped back.

This greatly confused Pein who was pretty sure Sasuke would have gone beserk, tried to hurt Pein, and the mysterious voice would have (hopefully) cut in. Sasuke stepped past the Fourth Hokage who had just hit Sakura with a stick. He glanced back at a distant voice that probably came from the Kyuubi.

"This conversation…" He began.

"never happened." Pein finished. Sasuke nodded, with a faint smile and disappeared, and the other ninja grew distant as well.

…_well…that was unexpected!_

Tobi got up. "A.H.R-dono, please teleport us back! I wanna talk to Senpai again!"

And in the next second the three ninjas were back in the cellar. Apparently, the newly revived Akatsuki members had been extremely bored.

Kakuzu, Deidara, Hidan and Sasori, were playing 'body' poker.

Kisame and Zetsu were three way betting on what type of paper would burn the fastest. Itachi and Konan were kindly supplying the paper and the fire.

"SENPAI!!"

Tobi, finally just Tobi, tackled Deidara with intense strength and hugged him tightly. Deidara, who was missing an arm, a hand, and half a leg grumbled something about not being able to breathe.

Hidan, who was nothing but a head and a hand smirked. "Well it's about fucking time."

Sasori, who was nothing but a torso, a head and a leg without a foot, struggled to get up.

Kakuzu had only lost one finger, and was obviously winning. He chuckled evilly.

Kisame and White Zetsu both reluctantly handed money over to Black Zetsu.

Itachi squinted towards them and tried to make them out. "Pein…?" He asked doubtfully.

Konan was….Konan was playing with paper.

_Alright, Kakuzu-kun, give them back they're body parts. Sasori-kun? Pull yourself together! Itachi-kun…for God's-_

"-Jashin-sama-" Hidan yelled out.

_- sake put on your glasses!_

After a bit of confusion, Sasori was fully limbed again and tilted his head at the unconscious Sakura. Tobi got up ("AIR!!" Deidara gasped) and tried to make Sakura stand.

"Don't worry Sasori Senpai, I can get her to wake up! Tobi is a good boy!"

Sasori just shook his head. He used his puppet strings to control Sakura, who now walked up perfectly to Sasori and put her hand on his shoulder.

"She is like a lifeless puppet. I like her this way. It satisfies me."

Pein heaved a sigh of relief. Finally! It was over!

_Alright, Hidan-kun, Kakuzu-kun, it's your turn._

Pein twitched. "Hidan? Why Hidan? He's immortal!! You didn't even have to revive him! He was already alive!"

_Yes well…you did consider him dead. Therefore you must fill out his wishes._

Hidan nodded. "Hell yeah. This is what you get for abandoning me, fucking bastard."

Pein just rubbed his temples. "Fine…fine…who goes first?"

Kakuzu and Hidan were both silent, obviously both deep in though. Finally Kakuzu spoke first.

"I think I'll do what Sasori did. There was a sexy blonde who fought me before I died. She'll do."

_Ino? Huh…KakuIno…good ring to it._

Hidan growled at Kakuzu. "No fucking fair! That was my choice!!"

Kakuzu shrugged. "To bad."

Hidan cocked his head to the ceiling.

"A.H.R-dono (second only to Jashin-sama)!! Do I have to choose someone I already met??"

…_well…who did you have in mind?_

Hidan cackled evilly. "The bastard who killed me. Pineapple head. I want his girlfriend whoever it his. So then he will SUFFER!!"

Pein frowned. "But what if his girlfriend is that Ino girl?"

Hidan scowled. "Damn…hadn't thought of that."

_Oh don't worry! Ino is not dating Shikamaru! They're just good friends._

Pein laughed grimly. "Really now? How do you know O' great one?"

_That's A.H.R-dono punk, and I know, because I'm always right. Shikamaru-kuns girlfriend name is Temari-chan. She lives in Sunagakure, but she's visiting Shikamaru-kun right now._

Hidan nodded. "So can I fucking have her or not?"

_Don't see why not. Although, if Shikamaru-kun kills you again its not my fault._

Hidan just shrugged and smirked. "Let the little pineapple head just try."

Pein groaned. "I'm going back to Konoha aren't I?"

_Yup!!_

That was way too cheerful. Was she even on their side?

_Ino has blonde hair and blue eyes,and wears purple. Temari has darker blonde hair and greenish eyes and has four pigtails. Got that?_

Pein nodded frantically. "Yes but-"

_Good! Now to teleport you there!_

"But about those disguises…!"

It was too late. For the second time today he was in the horrid hell pit known as Konohagakure. It had been bad the first time, but this time was much, much worse.

Not only was Tobi back, (now disguised as a freak in purple face pain) and not only was Pein now ANOTHER girl (This one with brown hair and red upside down triangle shaped tattoos on his face) but now, everyone was looking for him. And what was much much worse was that he saw two other people racing towards them.

Pein didn't know it, but they're names were Kankuro and Hana. And boy oh boy were they pissed!

**YAY!! Chappy number two is DONE! Now, once again, please review and let me know if it was funny or not. And also, if you have any advice I'd be more than happy to hear it!**


	3. Romantically Creepy

**I would like to thank Sabet and tricia010 for they're reviews. Anyway, I really didn't like this chapter, but then again, I didn't like the other two either, and they were liked well enough. But I don't know, I just really don't think it's funny. Anyway, just read away and make sure to leave a review please! (you'll suffer a week of torture via Itachi if you don't!!)**

There were many surprising things when it came to Naruto. For instance, no one ever attacked during a flashback. Or, another thing is the fact is that ninjas love to shout jutsu names at the top of their lungs. Another odd fact, is that ninjas don't like it when other people pretend to be them. For some obscure reason, it infuriates them.

So, it was easily understood why a certain Kankuro and Hana attacked Kankuro/Tobi and Hana/Pein. It was just they're ninja way. Unfortunately, Pein once again, realized that once again, he seemed unable to perform any jutsu. The last thing he saw was a bunch of angry wolves snapping at him.

Uggg….where was he? Why was everything so dark? He got up weakly. His body hurt all over. He no longer looked like Hana. He looked like some random Jounin with side burns. At least it was a boy. It was the same scene he had seen only a couple of seconds ago, only it was night. Maybe-

"PEIN-SAMA!!"

A random girl with two HUGE pig tails attacked him. It had to be none other than Tobi. However, unlike Pein, he did not seem to be hurt.

"What…the hell Tobi? What the hell?"

Tobi/Moegi giggled happily. "The meany in purple was going to attack me, but A.H.R-dono made him disappear! Tobi is a good boy!"

Pein made the stupid move of using his good hand to make a rude hand gesture at the sky.

And another finger limply fell off his hand.

_Can I help you Pein-kun?_

"Yes you idiotic bitch!" Pein roared at the sky

_I can zap off your tongue ya know!_

Pein didn't care. "You help that bran dead moron, but not me!?"

_It was two entirely different circumstances. I had to act the way I did!_

Pein just waved his arms in confusion.

_sigh anyone I make disappear comes to my realm._

"and…?"

_Well, to be frank, Kankuro-kun is hot!_

Pein just gaped for a couple seconds. He had gotten clawed to half death…because she didn't want the dog lady in her realm. But as soon it was a guy…

He exploded.

"WHAT THE HELL?! YOUR SUPPPOSED TO BE ON OUR SIDE!!"

_Now Pein-kun, I am on your side, but frankly…all the Akatsuki members are ugly, feminine, or crazy. It just wouldn't work out. Besides, they already have girls they want._

Pein said nothing. It wasn't worth it. He just wanted to get those two idiots there girls and leave.

"A.H.R-dono! Where is Temari and Ino?" Tobi/Moegi asked gleefully.

_They're all at the Nara house hold. Convenient eh?_

No. Convenient was when no one died. Convenient was when only a bunch of nameless red shirts died. Convenient was when the snot nosed brats trained at the Imperial Stormtrooper school of Marksmanship. No, this was just some random girl fooling around with no regard for his life.

Not that he said anything. That would have been suicide. He just gave a grunt of agreement and followed the voices instructions to the house.

The Nara household was fairly big. Not huge, not small, just…nice. All the lights were off. Pein was about to head in, when he got an idea.

"Tobi…kun…would you like to do a very special job?"

Tobi/Moegi gleefully jumped up and down. "Yes Pein-sama! Tobi will do it! Tobi is a good boy!"

"Well then, I shall entrust you with the mission to get Tenaro and Imi or whatever they're names are."

Tobi grinned vigorously and headed into the house without a second though. Pein smirked this was going to be a nice and easy mission.

_Pein-kun, Pein-kun, Pein-kun, it's just not that easy…_

And sure enough, Tobi, now actually Tobi, ran out, screaming at the top of his lungs. Lights all over the Nara house came on.

Tobi ran straight to a nearby garbage can, removed his mask and vomited. He then curled up in a feeble position and said under his breath 'Tobi is a good boy. Tobi is a good boy'

Pein just groaned. What had happened now?

_Well Pein-kun…_

The voice began, as if she was reading his mind

_If I told you, I'd have to change the rating._

Rating? What? Pein just ignored the annoying voice and turned his attention to the people coming out. A couple of men looked fairly normal with black hair and chuunin vest. But three looked quite odd. One wore all red and was incredibly fat, and the other two were blonde girls. Pein smirked. Perfect! This was entirely- oh shit. Why couldn't he move?

_squeal It's Shikamaru-kun!! Omigod! It's actually him!_

Pein opened his mouth (which for some reason, was the only thing that he could move) and yelled "Then make him disappear too!"

_Really Pein-kun…I'm not running a harem here!_

He then realized that a lot of people were staring at him awkwardly. They seemed really pale. He had seen that face before. It was on that masked guy! They…he must be some dead person or another!

"Look…" Pein began, not really knowing what to say.

"Asuma…sensei?"

That came from the kid with the black hair in a pony tail. He was also the one using the shadow jutsu.

Pein groaned. Why did this happen? Why him? Why-

"YOU ARE BAD PEOPLE!!" Tobi cried at the top of his lungs. He took out of nowhere, a frying pan and lunged at them like a wild child.

"BAD BOYS!! BAD GIRLS!! YOUR ALL BAD!!"

One blond tried to hit him with a fan (la-ame) but Tobi blocked with his frying pan, and proceeded to hit her over the head with the frying pan.

"BADGIRLBADGIRLBADGIRLBADGIRLBADGIRL!!"

She fell.

He jumped on the fat kid.

"BADBOYBADBOYBADBOYBADBOYBADBOYBADBOY!"

He fell

Next to the other blonde.

"BADGIRLBADGIRLBADGIRLBADGIRLBADGIRL!!"

She fell.

Finally, the kid who had him under the jutsu.

"BADGIRLBADGIRLBADGIRLBADGIRLBADGIRL!!"

The last thing he uttered is "I'm a boy!' then he fell.

Pein could move now, and quickly headed for the two girls, as Tobi now took his all powerful frying pan and hit everyone over the head. Soon, everyone was knocked out.

"A.H.R-dono!! Done!!" Tobi grinned cheerfully.

_Where did you get the frying pan?_

Tobi shrugged, not quite knowing himself. He was Tobi. He just found these sort of things.

"Just take us home already!" Pein yelled, not in the mood at all

_Fine…touchy…_

Poof!

And they were back in the Akatsuki lair. As long as they were alive, it would cease to be a cellar. It was a lair. A very evil lair.

At the moment, it was in a state of chaos. Again.

Apparently, Sakura had become smitten with Sasori, and they were in the back, kissing passionately.

Everyone else was playing a new type of poker game that Sakura had mentioned. Instead of body poker, they were playing strip poker. Deidara was winning, (to almost everyone who had wanted to find out his genders dismay) And for some reason, Kakuzu was losing. Badly.

"My eyes!!" Pein yelled in horror at seeing such an atrocity. "IM BLIND!"

Itachi found that comment to be very offensive and decided it was time his leader learned what it was like to be 'blind'

"ONE WEEK OF TORTURE!!" He hollered.

Pein blinked. He was in a really weird place. He had heard about this genjutsu. It was Itachis torture chamber, but what could he do that would hurt Pein?

Itachi appeared in front of him. Pein (who was now magically chained to a board) growled at him.

Itachi opened a book, his eyes grinning manically.

"This, Leader-sama, is a collection of stories."

Pein frowned. Stories? That wasn't too bad right?

Itachi cackled evilly and opened the book.

"Story One: A Pein/Jiraiya Lemon."

No…

No…

"NOOOOOOOOOO!!"

A week became a second, and Pein found himself in the exact same position he was before. Nothing had changed. Except now he was a very, very, tainted person. The stories had been bad enough, the fact was, was that Pein was forced to see a live action version of it.

He would never read again.

He would never think about loving again.

He would never insult Itachi again.

Anyway, Ino and Temari woke up drowsily. Hidan and Kakuzuz looked at them evilly. Kakuzu poked Ino on the back and cackled.

"Hello Ino."

Some people would have screamed. Others would have cried. Others would have asked Kakuzu to put on some clothes. What did Ino do?

"That helmet so totally does NOT match your eyes!"

Kakuzu blinked. Wha…?

"And if you're going to talk to me, you have to get some matching clothes! That jump suit fits horribly on you!"

Stifled laughter.

Kakuzu frowned. "Ummm well…"

"And if this is going to work out, I want a gift once a day, and a pony. Also some make up, perfume, Sasuke, and…Why don't you just give me your wallet?" Ino asked cheerfully, accepting the situation entirely. Kakuzu paled. And He felt all of his hearts drop.

Not his wallet. Not his precious, precious, wallet. It was his pride and joy…his…his child…his…well…not his. Ino snatched it in a second and greedily counted the yen. She then pocketed it all. Kakuzu broke down.

"NOOOOOOOO!!"

Meanwhile Hidan looked at the girl he had taken to make Shikamaru jealous. "Alright, listen up bi-"

He didn't continue. Temari withdrew her fan and tackled him, repeated hitting him with the fan. "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!"

"jashin-sama! Help mee!" Hidan cried as Temari stuck her fan right through his stomach.

"YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO EVEN THINK OF ORDERING ME AROUND! I AM THE ONE WHO ORDERS PEOPLE AROUND!!"

Hidan began to sniffle. He was trying not to cry…don't cry…don't cry… eh, screw it. Hidan began to bawl his eye balls out. What did he do to deserve this?

Temari kept on hitting him, and Kakuzu had finally put his cloak back on and wad begging for some money. Ino was shaking her head.

Pein rubbed his temples. And to think he still had a lot of people to go. Why him? Why him? At least Sakura and Sasori had hit it off minorly well. That was, if Sakura was actually awake and not just a puppet.

_Ok…yeah…wow…Deidara-kun, it's your turn!_

Skillfully dodging Tobi and his frying pan of doom Deidara appeared in front of Pein. "I have a decision un."

Pein raised an eyebrow. Who could Deidara possibly want?

Deidara smiled. "clay."

Pein was confused. "Whaddya mean clay?"

Deidara shrugged. "My one true love is clay un."

Pein wrinkled his forehead. "But…you already have a lot of that."

Deidara nodded eagerly. "Exactly un!"

Pein looked questioningly at the ceiling.

_Ummm…errr…ok…but you need to pick a human Deidara-kun!_

Deidaras face fell. "But…but….Only clay can give me what I want un."

Pein shuddered at the mental image.

_Ummm…ok! Fine! grumbles Oi! Itachi-kun! Your up!_

Itachi stood up solemnly. "Has my brother gotten the Mangekyou sharingan yet?"

_Uhh…no._

"Then I request the one person he loves. He obviously doesn't hate me enough to kill his best friend. So, I request his girlfriend."

_Ummm.Ok._

Pein just shrugged his shoulders. "All right, to Konoha again, I presume?"

…

"ummm…hello? Who's the bastards' girlfriend?"

_To tell you the truth…I have no idea._

Pein groaned, and his fists hit the wall. "How do you not know?! You knew about her!" He cried out gesturing to Temari, who had successfully decapitated Hidan, and was now playing baseball with it.

_Look, look, that's none of your business Pein-kun! I'll just have you and Tobi-kun track him until you figure it out that's all!_

Pein shrugged, but then he remembered. "Oi!! Whats with the crappy disguises?"

_They are not crappy!_

"You had me be a girl almost every time!"

_It's called being a ninja! Gawd…some people…now. To Konoha!!_

Tobi gleefully jumped next to Deidara, gave him a tearful good bye and then disappeared right along with Pein.

Pein, was now Anko.

Tobi was Iruka.

Pein groaned. But wait! He saw something, it was Sasuke! He grinned, This was going to be easy. If he managed to snag his girlfriend he would only have Kisame, Zetsu, and Konan to go! So they preceded to trail him.

Luckily, this time around, neither of them were dead, so no one stopped them. It began to feel like hours since they had been following Sasuke. When something finally happened.

He had been home for a while now. Rebandaging his arms ( what had happened?)and muttering about how a lot of people were going missing. Then, a noise had come out of his closet.

"Quiet love…" He said quietly.

Pein felt his grip tightened. His girlfriend! Right in that closet! What kind of sicko did that? Maybe the girl hated Sasuke. A lot. Maybe Sasuke was just crazy. Who knew.

Sasuke got up and looked around quickly, oddly enough, not noticing the two Akatsuki members and went into the closet. And closed the door. Immediately, a lot of thumping was heard.

"We should attack now Pein-sama!" Tobi said quickly, covering his ears, trying to stay a good boy. Pein nodded in agreement, they both landed into his room, and head for the closet.

"One…Two…Three…" He whispered. And on three he ripped off the closet door and Tobi Hit Sasuke with a frying pan.

Then, time stood still. All over the world, fan girls screamed. Tobi ran for the nearest toilet, and Pein felt himself go pale.

It wasn't a girl that was in the closet at all.

It was the Kyuubi. The male Kyuubi.

Pein heard a lot of cursing go through his head as the Uchiha got up.

What the hell was he going to do now?

**Ok, I know Sasuke isn't gay. But, let's face it, Sasuke needs to learn to stop being such an idiot and go home to Konoha . Once that happens, I'll let up on the Sasuke-bashing. Maybe. Anyway, I don't know why, but I was kinda disappointed with this chapter. I don't know why. Anyway, if you have any compliments, flames, or constructive criticism all are encouraged and greatly appreciated. And I'm also sorry for all the suggestive things in this chapter. Very spur of the moment kinda thing. Yeah. **


	4. Oddly Solemn

**I would like to thank Gothicscorpion and Lol363 for their reviews. And special thanks to GothicScoripion for reviewing 3 times. Anyway, here ya go:**

"mmhmm…yeah…I would like the pink one, the purple one, the pink-and-purple one… Oooh! And the blue one! Its sooo hot!"

Ino Yamanaka was talking on a dreadfully pink cellphone, which was so cluttered with stickers and fake jewels, it was a miracle you could actually press any of the buttons. But not only did Ino manage to successfully press the buttons, she was also able to successfully ignoring all the annoying crap that was happening around her.

In owas also sitting on a throne made out of various items she had just bought, since she refused to sit on such a cellar floor. Thanks to the fact her new partner was filthy stinking rich, and couldn't stand her all mighty power of bitchyness, money was not a problem.

Or at least, to her.

Kakuzu was banging his head against the wall. Money, lots of money…gone…gone…gone. WHY?! Little yen signs disappeared in his head. He had to stop this. Even if Ino did slap him…he had to do something. Or he would end up like poor old Hidan…

"AND FURTHERMORE!!" Temari roared, once again hitting his head with her fan.

"GYAAAAHHHH!!" Hidan yelled as he flew across the cellar.

"JASHIN IS A SICK GOD!" She screeched as her shadow clone hit him back to the original Temari.

"MAKE IT FUCKING STOP!!" Hidan yelled, looking down in horror to briefly see yet another shadow clone ripping apart Hidans' testes, and another one breaking his three pronged scythe.

This is what happened, when a Suna girl decided to hang out with a blonde douche-bag because her boyfriend was away on a mission. This is what happened when girls learned things. This is was the reason girls were prejudiced against in the first place. It was all because if Man hadn't acted, they would all be wearing dog collars, cleaning the toilet.

Hidan was hit again, this time; however, Temari hit his head upwards. And he hit the ceiling cussing in pain.

Kakuzu did not want that. He inched towards Ino, she was chatting on how she wanted something called a jaguar. Why she wanted a cat was beyond him. Maybe it would eat her.

"Ino…san…"

Ino snapped her head him and smiled sweetly. "Hello Kakuzu-kun, not now, I'm busy trying to decide on whether to buy a jaguar or a Cadillac."

Kakuzu took another deep breathe, if only he could steal his money and get away from the cellar, then he would be home free! But, alas, there was nowhere to escape. Hold on a second…how the hell did all that junk get in the cellar?

"How did all that stuff get in here? I thought this was a sealed cellar."

Ino rolled her eyes. "Duh it is, I got it part of my CSSS!"

"Your…what?"

"My Cellphone Summoning Shopping Service!"

Kakuzu momentarily forgot his anger and was overcome by curiosity. What was this? Could he buy weapons? Maybe even the weapons he had once heard that git Tobi mention in passing…?

"Where did you get that cellphone?" He asked excitedly.

Ino just stared at him. "Uhh…DUH!! I got it from the service gawd…"

"When did you get this service?"

"Just now."

"How??"

"I called up on this cellphone you baka!!"

"BUT HOW DID YOU GET THE CELLPHONE?!"

"With the service!"

Kakuzu preceded to attempt to tackle her, only to be bitch slapped into the air-collide with the now sobbing Hidan, and crash land into the ground at deafening proportions.

"Shut up will you un!!" Deidara roared, as he was in right in the middle of sculpting his clay-wife. He had been just applying some very intricate patterns- and then the noise through him off balance and left a gash in his work of art.

"GAHHH!!" Deidara screamed at the gash. "I will have to START OVER NOW UN!!" Hand sign. A couple of seconds later, everyone was covered in clay, groaning, for this was the eighth time this had happened since Pein and Tobi had left.

Meanwhile, Zetsu had gotten hungry, and had decided to go eat Sakura, who seemed the most docile out of the three girls. Unfortunately Sasori did not like the idea and attempted to stab Zetsu with Hirukos tail. Then Sakura recognized Zetsu from a charming little musical she had seen the other week, and asked for his autograph. White Zetsu said yes, Black Zetsu said no, and they then proceeded to claw each other's eyes out.

Konan was…playing. With. Paper.

Kisame was taking great pleasure in the Hidan bashing and was even cheering them on, and managed to steal a hat that Ino had bought by accident. (and by accident, Ino had decided to order the entire catalog)

For some unexplainable and joyous reason, you could actually drink out of it from two straws. And a strange fizzy like drink came out of it. Kisame felt an odd rumbling in his stomach. Kisame had never had sugar before…

Itachi was the only one sane enough to do nothing crazy. He sat in the corner, reciting Pi backwards in Melanesian. He was bored, and attempting to do something seemingly impossible, (since he not only didn't know how to speak Melanesian, but he also didn't know what the last number of pi was) always calmed him down. He was waiting for Pein-sama and Madara-sama. He had been hoping for his little brother to repopulate the clan, and even though it would be nice for Sasuke to get the Mangyekou Sharingan, the most important thing was to make sure the Uchiha blood line did not run out. And this was his way of getting comfort.

BLAM!!

Deidara blew up his sculpture again. Pein and Tobi had had the misfortune of teleporting right in fron of him.

Itachi rushed over excitedly. Evon though he could barely see, he could make out three blurry orange figures. Pein-sama…Madara-sama…and…

No.

Those idiots.

They had brought back the kyuubi!

"Look…" Itachi hissed through gritted teeth "I _know_ that our mission was to capture all the jinchuriki but…do we REALLY have TIME for THIS!?" He spat out the last words like poison.

"You were supposed to find Sasukes love." He said quietly, calming himself down. It would be okay….A.H.R-dono would sort this out. She was the one pulling the strings anyway…

Pein laughed. It was a very interesting laugh, a mixture of hollow humor, anger, irony, hoarseness, old age, and just a tint of insanity. It was one of Peins few talents that he had been able to keep since this whole shenanigan had started.

He tossed the kyuubi to Itachi. "This IS your little brothers true love!"

Naruto, was neatly tied up in some average rope, with an average mouth gag. Of course, On closer inspection, Itachi realizedthat the rope was made up of none other than human hair, which seemed to be a mixture of Sasukes black, and Narutos blonde hair. No one bothered to contemplate the many hours Sasuke spent collecting it and worshipping the annoying dobe in the orange jumpsuit.

All there was was a single, awkward silence. No one spoke. Inos cell phone dropped in a single earth shattering moment. Hidans' head landed one the stone with a soft 'plop' and the clones of Sabuku No Temari vanished with a poof.

There was only noise. Kisame vibrating like a massage chair.

Then, it happened.

It started off with Hidan shouting "Holy Mother Fucker!"

It ended with Sakura and Ino running to whatever looked most like a bathroom to puke.

But mostly, in the middle, all there was, was merciless, unforgiving, laughter.

Deidara was clutching his side, and seemed to be suffering some very severe convulsions.

Itachi felt his face go red and he reluctantly removed the mouth gag. That was a mistake. A horrible, dreadful mistake.

"HELLLLLLLLPPPPP MEEEEEEE!!" Naruto screamed. It was a high pitched scream, which did not match his gravelly voice at all.

Tobi jumped out of nowhere and hit Naruto with the frying pan.

Itachi looked up at the ceiling. "A.H.R!?" He roared with fury.

…_oh…hey guys. Sup?_

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?" Pein screeched. He had enough.

_How was I s'posed to know Sasuke preferred guys? HOW??_

"You knew about Temari" grumbled Hidan

_Entirely different. I have been following their relationship since day one! Sasuke-teme is of no interest to me. Now if you excuse me, I must be leaving._

"But you can't leave now! Tobi was a good boy!"

_Look, IM BUSY!_

"Hold it right there A.H.R-dono un!" Deidara growled. "We're your responsibility un!"

_Well yeah but…_

"What could be more fucking important then us?" Hidan shouted, until Temari hit his head with her fan. Again. And again.

_Nothing is more important than you guys! It's just tha-_

"ifweresoimportantthenstopwhatyourdoingandhelpuscuzwereamzingyeayeahyeahyeah" Kisame giggled. He was talking really fast. He then ran into the wall, simply because he could.

_I'll be back in a couple o-_

"**Help us out now.**" White Zetsu said.

"**Or we'll eat everyone**" Black Zetsu added

"**No we won't**"

" **Yes we will**"

"**No we won't**"

" **Yes we will**"

"**No we won't**"

" **Yes we will**"

_ALRIGHT!! Geez…I'll just fail bio…_

Pein frowned. What was bio?

_Ok, now Zetsu-kun, you died ne-_

"STOP!!"

Pein cocked his head to the side. Which idiot was speaking up now? Why wasn't he dead?

That idiot was Itachi. He was very mad. "What…am I…supposed…to do…NOW?!"

_Learn to accept Yaoi. Become a fangirl. It's not too hard to do._

"HOW IS MY BROTHER GOING TO REVIVE THE CLAN NOW?!"

_Adopt?_

Itachi spat at that comment. "HOW WILL THE UCHIHA BLOOD CARRY ON?!" He roared, swatting at the air, trying to somehow hurt the annoying voice.

"That was your fault in the first place." Sasori said dully, not really seeing the big deal. Kisame nodded in agreement, who was now gnawing on Samehada.

"That was an entirely different situation." Itachi cried. "I guess I'll just have to find some girl and-"

_No._

"Whaddya mean NO?!" Itachi yelled.

_Your with Naruto-kun._

Itachi laughed. "Yeah but…that was a mistake."

_Didn't I tell you guys you would be picking a soul mate?_

"But…" Itachi stuttered. This was not happening. This was not happening. "But you said it had to be of the opposite gender!"

_Oh yeah…well I also said that you had to have seen the person before, and Hidan-kun broke that rule. But if it bothers you that much I can always change you into a girl…_

Itachi paled, and faced two evils. Be the last of the Uchiha clan, or become a girl… Itachi shuddered.

_ANYWAY! Zetsu-kun died next, so yeah, who do you want Zetsu-kun? Itachi-kun, you can decide once We get Zetsu-kuns OTP._

Itachi collapsed next to the knocked out Naruto and banged his head against the wall.

Zetsu stepped up.

"**Ok, we have decided**"

_And she is?_

"**We uhh don't know her name**"

Pein groaned. "Oh COME ON!!"

_Do you know ANYTHING about her?_

"**She is from the Village hidden in the Mist**"

"**She's got long black hair…**"

"**porcelain skin…brown eyes…**"

"**Looks pretty tasty too.**"

Pein just gaped at them. "How the hell are we supposed to find her?!"

_Zetsu-kun…where did you see her…exactly?_

Zetsu frowned and thought for a moment.

"**I'd say about maybe…five years ago?**"

"**It was when we first started trying to find the jinchuriki**"

"**Oh yeah…we had just successfully found the kyuubi, and we caught a glimpse of her before we left!**"

_Oh you have got to be kidding me…_

Pein brightened slightly. "You know her?"

_Yeah…you could say that…_

"Then teleport us right away A.H.R-dono" Tobi cried out eagerly.

"Where is she?" Pein asked curiously.

_Oh…about thirty feet under the ground._

"So she's dead un?" Deidara asked smirking, putting some finishing touches on his girlfriend-clay. Kakuzu gave a slightly evil chuckle, but went back to attempting to use the cellphone.

"**damn…**"

_Well…I could, technically speaking bring...this person back to life._

Pein raised an eyebrow. "Whats the catch?"

_The usual…this person would have to pick an OTP_

Zetsu frowned. She had never seen them…if she got to pick a soul mate, she could easily pick someone different.

"**If she doesn't pick us, we'll just eat her.**"

"**agreed**"

No one spoke, except for the curses that Hidan shrieked as he was flung across the cellar.

'_Ninpou…Life Revival; Deus ex Machina; Fan Fiction style no jutsu!_

And a familiar blinding light appeared, and a single shadowy figure appeared.

_Kunoichi, Missing-nins, Naruto, I present to you…_

The figure stepped forward, and there was a slight gasp amongst the Akatsuki. She was very pretty. Gorgeous even. Her face was fair and her eyes dazzled. Her hair was as smooth as silk, and she seemed to have a small smile on her face.

_Haku._

Haku? That was an odd name for a girl Pein mused. But no matter, that was one less person who he had to help out. Kisame and Konan were left.

Haku nodded at the air. "Thank you A.H.R-dono"

_Yeah…any time Haku-kun._

It was Deidara who figured it out. "Holy shit!! That's a BOY un!!"

Everyone turned towards Deidara who had fallen into his 18 foot structure in surprise. He cursed, and blew up the structure, spewing clay everywhere.

"Yes." Said Haku. "I am a man."

" **you've got to be effing kidding me.**"

"**A.H.R-dono…?**"

_Yeah…I knew._

Itachi cackled. "Misery loves company" He crooned. He wasn't the only one to make a bonehead mistake.

_Alright, now, Haku, who's your love?_

"I exist only for Zabuza."

Kisame looked up. "hmZabuza?Iknowhim!hesreallyreallyreallyweirdhelikehasnoeyebrows.isntthatweird?Ithinkitsweirdfreakyweirdthatswhatitisyeaaaaaaaaaaaah"

Zetsu cursed and lunged at Haku, mouth opened wide. But, Haku was faster, and threw senbon needles at him. Zetsu now looked like a cactus. Zetsus eye twitched, and he fell over.

_He better not be dead Haku-kun._

"Hes not" Haku said simply.

At this point, Sakura and Ino returned, debating at who was the next hottest guy in Konoha.

"Its kiba" Ino said

"Neji" Sakura replied.

"Kiba."

"Neji."

"KIBA!!"

"NEJI!!"

They then had the bright idea to engage in a cat fight. They disappeared in a scuffle of dust.

'_Ninpou…Life Revival; Deus ex Machina; Fan Fiction style no jutsu!_

Another blinding light. And another shadowy figure. Zabuza Momochi. Now Pein was getting worried. What if they just got engaged in an endless cycle of reviving? What if he was stuck with millions of dead people, and he never got to the last two Akatsuki? That would be bad. Very bad.

Faint Explosion in the back. Kakuzu had somehow managed to blow up the cell phone. Now Ino was heading towards him, to most likely kill him very slowly…

Muffled cursing. Temari had just dashed Hidans brains out. His head was now split in two.

Weird moaning sounds that came from behind a couple of barrels. Sakura and Sasori. Sickos.

Cracking noise. Itachi throwing Naruto against the wall.

Buzzing sound. Kisame running out of energy and falling onto Haku.

Folding noises. Konan playing with her freaking paper.

Clanking sounds. Tobi accidentally hitting Deidara with the frying pan.

Louder explosion. Deidara attacking Tobi.

Peircing noises. Zetsu turning over, and pushing the needles in more deeply. Ouch.

More piercing noises. Haku stabbing Kisame.

Weird muffled noises. Zabuza attempting to talk through bandages.

Emo noises. Pein groaning about how horrible the world was.

A.H.R could not take it anymore. She had tests to take. Biology to pass, an English power point to do, and a half naked Kankuro waiting for her in her room! So she did the only thing that could possibly worked. She turned off the computer. And walked away slowly.

**This does not mean I am stopping the series. Anyway, kudos to the Naruto abridged series for I will be basing Zabuza off of their version. (I do not own Naruto, the abridged series, or youtube) please review. Byeth.**


	5. Animal Magnetism

**Many thanks to aeae, Gothicscorpion, Sailor-Vampire and Nii-chan3. Now, I'm sorry for not updating in a while, but here I am, and here's the chapter. Enjoy.**

If Pein was British, the term 'Bloody Hell' would of suit the situation quite nicely. No open knew how long it had been since the voice had left, but it was long enough for even more chaos to be unleashed.

In short, everyone was pretty much attempting to kill each other, and for a reason that had happened again and again, the Akatsuki seemed to be weaker.

But Pein was just waiting. He carefully and calmly bottled his anger. He had a straight face and he was quietly leaning against the wall. The thunderous noises were distant.

If there was one thing he learned, was the pain in this world. Hence his name. Pein. And patience was an annoying virtue of pain. He was to be patient. Patient. Calmly waiting until the voice came back.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Still Waiting.

He soothingly massaged his temples, and fiddled with his piercings. Wait. Just wait.

Finally, the waiting payed off.

_Uhhh….hey guys._

Pein calmly got up, and slowly opened his eyes. He tilted his head at the ceiling, and took a long, deep, breath. Now. Now it was time to let loose his anger.

"WHAT THE HELL TOOK YOU SO LONG!?"

_It's called having a life Pein-kun_

"LIFE?? LIFE!! YOU THINK YOU HAVE PROBLEMS!?"

_I never said that Pein-kun._

"DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I HAVE HAD TO DEAL WITH SINCE YOU LEFT?"

_Not in particular._

"SAKURA!! SHES EFFING PREGNANT!!"

_Keh…how…?_

"WE HAVE NO CLUE!!"

_But Sasori…hes not…and she…but…but…privacy and…_

"HIDAN HAS BEEN DISSINTEGRATED!!"

_That's why it's so dusty in here. Good job Temari-chan!_

Temari smirked and gave the ceiling a thumbs up.

"AND ZABUZA--!! HE WANTS KISAME!!"

_Oh…well, that's not too hard to accomplish._

"BUT KISAME WANTS A GIRL!"

_Ouch. Fangirls nightmare._

"now. Where. In. Hell. Were. You." Pein hissed through gritted teeth.

BANG!! A huge explosion of clay went through the air. Tobi had attempted to hug Deidaras masterpiece.

_Deidara-kun! Honestly! It can't take you that long to make a sculpture! Even with this chaos._

Pein let out a hoarse laugh. "He did finish his sculpture. Eight times! Don't ya know his freaking motto?!"

_That's it…EVERYONE!! LINE UP!_

And by the grace of god, everyone stumbled into a line. Itachi crawled blindly.

_Now…Status report! Start with you Kisame-kun!_

Kisame looked at the ceiling very annoyed. "It's Horrible A.H.R-dono! Zabuza wants to choose me as his OTP, but my OTP is Gloria!"

"Grrmmmf! Mf! Shmf!" Zabuza roared, his bandages hindering his speech.

_Gloria? Who's she?_

Kisames eyes glittered. "She is this amazing girl I met at a carnival when I was only eight years old." He said, sighing blissfully.

_Very well, I'll send Tobi-kun and Pein-kun once status report is done._

Pein winced slightly, and Tobi withdrew his frying pan.

_Naruto-kun! Status Report!_

"THIS IS HORRIBLE DATTEBAYO!! I DON'T WANNA BE MARRIED TO ITACHI!!"

_Shut up. Kakuzu-kun?_

"So…much…yen…GONE" Kakuzu said, breaking down into sobs. He casted and evil look at Ino who was now texting. (And only twenty yen a letter!)

_Sasori-kun…?_

Sasori said nothing. He blinked. Once. Twice. Then he blinked in rapid succession. Then he stopped blinking. Forever.

_Sakura-chan and Ino-chan?_

Sakura looked up from some magazine and raised an eyebrow. "I want halibut…" She muttered to herself evilly. "Lots…and lots of Halibut, with a side of mustard…"

Ino rolled her eyes and waved her phone at the ceiling. "Hello? Texting!"

_Uhh…Haku-kun?_

Haku looked at Zabuza for a moment. Then at Zetsu. Then Kisame. Then at Pein. Then at Tobi. Then the pizza boy. Then Ichigo. He killed Ichigo.

"I am fine A.H.R-dono. Other then minimal inflictions at Zetsu, (which was an act of self defense) no chaos has happened involving me."

_Good Boy._

"NOOOOOOOO!!" Tobi sobbed. "IMTHEGOODBOY! IMTHEGOODBBOY!!" He threw his frying pan in a tantrum, which ricocheted off the wall.

It went flying- and hit an orange haired carcass in the head. Tobi ran over and picked it up. "My frying pan." He hissed.

_Uhhh…Deidara-kun?_

Deidara paused, and then looked at the half-blind Itachi. He chuckled. "I'm good, A.H.R-dono"

_Temari-chan?_

Temari yawned. "I'm bored. Can I invite Shika over?"

_No. Zetsu-kun!_

"**We've been on pins and needles ever since you left!**"

"**Literally!**"

_Itachi-kun?_

"I can't see anymore." He mumbled. "Damn Mangyekou Sharingan…"

_Tobi-kun?_

"MY FRYING PAN IS A GOOD BOY!!" Tobi cried out gleefully.

_Of course it is. Kona- Why are you crying?_

"That…Bastard…Zabuza…He…he cut through all my paper!" Konan sobbed.

"Mfimfo mfit mfll mgfn!!" Zabuza growled.

_Right… ok, Pein-kun?_

Pein narrowed his eyes. "If I could claw my own ears out, I would."

_Always the optimist Pein-kun. Now am I missing anyone…?_

Zabuza raised his hand.

_Not until you take off the bandages Zabuza-kun. So that's it! Onto-_

"w..a..i..t"

Everyone twisted and turned their heads. Who said that? Was it the pizza boy? No…he had also been killed. Then who was it?

"i..t i..s I h..i..d..a..n"

This high pitched voice came from all over. It was a comically high voice. Slightly lower then a chipmunk though.

Kakuzu groaned. He missed the old days where the worst part of the day was when he lost at body poker. Not that he ever lost.

"f..u..c..k..i..n..g i..d..i..o..t..s"

Temari withdrew her fan. "Hidan" She hissed.

_Hidan-kun? Huh, I did forget him…HIDAN-KUN!! Where are you?_

Then, all the dust started to form vaguely. Everyone (except Itachi) could just barely make out a hidan like shape.

"t..h..a..t g..i..r..l i..s a f..u..c..k..i..n..g b..i..t..c..h..!"

Temari smirked again. "Don't you forget it 'Danny!" She waved her fan, and blew all the dust away.

"N..O..O..O..O..O..o..o..o..o..u..u..u..u..u" And the dust scattered, and the voice slowly faded away.

_Well…that was creepy. Now onto business! Zabuza-kun has chosen his soul mate to be Kisame-kun correct…?_

Zabuza nodded vigorously. He glanced angrily at Kisame.

_And Kisame has chosen a girl…named Gloria?_

Kisame smiled, showcasing his pointy shark teeth.

_Well, I guess there can always be a fivesome or something…So, where can we find Gloria?_

Kisame frowned for a moment, deeply concentrating. Then he brightened.

"At the carnival!"

Pein raised an eyebrow. So they were going after…a carny? Kisame had really odd tastes. But, if they got through this quickly enough, Konan would be all that's left. Then Pein could continue his plan without a hitch.

And in a painfully familiar flash. Pein and Tobi disappeared.

The Carnival of the Hidden Rain was actually fairly well known. It was for instance, the only known Carnival to have you sign wavers before entering.

It was also the only Carnival that you could watch a Cranio-ectomy. Although, take a person's advice, and don't volunteer.

It was also the only Carnival with gallows, spikes instead of nets under trapezes, piranhas as souvenirs, and poisoned onigiri.

Pein found himself in the awkward position of being a lot shorter than the transformed Tobi. Tobi was turned into a fat old man, with dark black glasses and brown poofy hair. If Pein squinted in the right light, Tobi almost looked like a mouse rat thing.

Pein on the other hand looked more like an eight year old wearing overalls and a hat. But at least he was a boy this time around.

The festival was, as if by miracle, still around. And as if by magic, it was in the exact same state it had been when Kisame had enter it.

"Look Pein-sama! Cotton candy!" Tobi/Gato cried out running towards the stand.

Pein was about to warn Tobi that the cotton candy was gray. That gray cotton candy was not normally found in this world. That cotton candy was normally pink. That no self respecting criminal would eat cotton candy. That the Japanese simply did not eat American foods.

But, he didn't. After all, Tobi might die! That would be a happy moment indeed!

Tobi ran up to the man and gave a squeal of delight. "I want cotton candy!!"

The vendor was an old toothless man with an eye patch. But he recognized a person who supposedly had been killed a couple years ago when he saw one. His eyes widened in fear, and he ran away.

Tobi/Gato just shrugged and stuck his hand in the jar thingy that held the cotton candy and devoured it. Much to Pein/Inaris dismay, he did not die.

After sampling the onigiri, a piranha, a chicken named Clucky, some month old ramen, a finger that looked suspiciously like it came from Hidan, Vegan Sushi, frozen soup and some really really rubbery seaweed, Tobi/Gato had eaten his way halfway through the carnival, and Pein/Inari had found no trace of 'Gloria'.

Then, they came to a HUGE tent. And in 72' Lucida Calligraphy the name

GLORIA!

Was emblazoned on the front of the tent.

Pein took a deep breath and slowly walked in, prepared to face whatever slut Kisame had requested.

But, not all the training in the world, not all the pain in the world, not all the surprising facts in the world, not all the sick sick things in the world, could have possibly prepared Pein for the sight he was about to lay his poor eyes on.

Gloria was twelve feet wide.

Gloria was eight feet tall.

Gloria had blue sapphire eyes the size of that giant pink Rasengan in the new Naruto movie.

Gloria, was a goldfish.

Gloria, was a goldfish.

Gloria, was a goldfish.

Gloria, was a freaking goldfish.

Gloria, was a freaking goldfish.

GLORIA IS A FREAKING GOLD FISH!!

Pein stuttered in disbelief. Mental images, horrible X rated mental images flew through his tiny little mind.

"MY EYES!!" He roared. "THEY BURRRRRN!"

He tugged on his hair so much that he accidentally pulled some out. He had been shocked when Deidara decided to make out with a heap of clay, before proceeding to blow it up. He had been horrified when Hidans small intestines had hit him in the head. He had been shocked when Zabuza briefly took off his bandages.

But this…this was too much to handle.

Tobi blinked, a bit confused. "Pein-sama, where's Gloria? Did that fishy eat her?"

Pein shook his head. "That is Gloria Tobi…"

Tobi said nothing. But not for long.

"Kisame is a bad boy! That's almost as bad as what my cousins' bosses' brother did! But Tobi is a good boy! Not like Tobis' cousins' bosses' brother!"

…_What did your cousins' bosses' brother do?_

The mysterious voice had spoken out of nowhere (obviously) and seemed only vaguely shocked. Pein just groaned, and wondered when this would all end.

Tobi was more than happy to answer the question. "Tobi has a cousin who is a good boy! He works for an old sensei who is also a good boy! But his brother is a BAAAAD BOY!!" Tobi/Gato said with a dramatic pause.

Pein rolled his eyes. "What's worse than wanting to be with a freaking fish?"

"His OTP is a goat!"

**B.R.E.A.K**

**Millions of Galaxies away:**

"ACHOO!" Aberforth Dumbledore sneezed. He sniffled slightly and wiped his nose with a dirty rag that he had been using to clean the glasses.

He returned to dully cleaning the glasses, and gave a long sigh.

"Someone must be talkin' about me." He muttered.

**B.R.E.A.K**

**Millions of Galaxies away:**

"Soooo…" Pein started uncomfortably. "Can we teleport back now?"

_Not until you say the magic words Pein-kun!_

Pein just scoffed, attempted to make a rude hand gesture (but unfortunately he was missing a vital finger) and just ended up shaking his fist at her.

_Come on Pein-kun. You can say it! 'A.H.R-dono' it's not that hard! Right Tobi-kun?_

"Right A.H.R-dono! Tobi is a good boy!" Tobi/Gato said in agreement.

Pein pursed his lips together and turned away. He utterly refused. No way in hell was he ever going to stoop so low as to call someone 'dono'. Never. All of hell could break loose, and he could be tortured to insanity, and he would still not say those words. If he ever did, he could never look at himself seriously again.

So, Pein said nothing, and an awkward silence followed. Tobi walked up to Gloria and tapped on the glass.

_Now Pein-kun. If you don't I'll just leave you here. I have other things I could be doing. My life isn't devoted to making your life easier Pein-kun._

It took all his strength not to utter the comeback 'That's for sure'. He heard a splashing noise, and turned around to see Tobi swimming in Glorias tank. For some reason, He was no longer Gato.

Tobi gave what at least looked like a gleeful smile, and he began to swim around, wildly ricocheting off the glass walls.

Pein sighed. Tobi was a douchebag.

CHOMP!

Gloria opened her mouth.

She closed it.

Tobi was gone.

But if you listened closely, you could hear the tiniest voice screaming at the top of his shrilly lungs

"Tobi is a Good Boy!"

Pein smirked, and let out a crow of happiness. Tobi was gone! He was finally dead! Oh Happy Day! Never again would he have to put up with the orange boy wonder known as Tobi! This was perfect! Freaking perfect!

_Wow…That was horrible!! At least he didn't die._

Pein raised an eyebrow. The moron lived? Damn it. But…at least he couldn't bother Pein anymore.

Then, a sigh was heard from the voice.

_Ugh, I don't have time for this! Fine, I'll just teleport you know!_

And in a flash of victory, Pein/Inari and Gloria the goldfish disappeared. Tank and all.

When Pein had gotten back, he had expected the pure chaos which had been going on ever since this whole thing had started.

But, instead of hell, everyone was sitting calmly in a circle, not talking at all. No one moved, they just sat there, with these weird emotionless expressions.

Not even Deidara reacted, when Gloria the Goldfish and her huge Tank landed on his sculpture with a satisfying splat. Pein was not a cowardly person. Nor was he particularly paranoid or timid. But Pein had the strongest urge to run as far away as possible, forget about being a ninja, and live the rest of his life as a crack cocaine dealer.

"Uhhh….what's going on?" Pein asked nervously, hoping that this was all some sort of fluke.

_Well Pein-kun, while Tobi-kun was ingesting dangerous toxins, and you did…nothing, I got to thinking about what you said. You know, about the chaos? And you know what? You were right, so I performed a quick hypnotism jutsu to keep them quiet until the jutsu is completed!_

Why hadn't she thought of this when he was still dealing with Sasoris OTP? No matter, at least everything was quiet. And only one more was left.

Konan.

Pein had to admit it, he had had a crush on Konan when he first met her. But he had become a bit disillusioned with the idea once Konan made it clear she preferred paper.

So Pein reluctantly distanced himself from her, and immersed himself in what he did best. Taking over the world. Or whatever his evil plan was, with all the craziness that was going on. Pein really didn't care anymore.

He eyed the hypnotized Konan who was staring quietly at her little shreds of paper that Zabuza had destroyed.

"Ok, release the jutsu on Konan, so we can find out her…match."

_Uhhh…Pein-kun?_

Pein rolled his eyes. "WHAT?!"

_I didn't hypnotize Konan-chan._

Pein groaned. Figures. Konan slowly got up and only slightly narrowed her eyes in anger at Pein. But it vanished quickly.

"I have only loved one man…" Konan said slowly and quietly.

Pein snorted. "You're not going to say your paper?" He asked in a mock disbelief.

Konan shook her head back and forth.

"I had a crush on this man since I knew him as but a child."

Pein felt his heart do a back flip. That was him! It had to be him! Unless it was that other guy. But he was dead, and he never recalled Konan having any particular feelings towards him. What was his name anyway? Pein couldn't remember.

"I love…"

Say Pein. Say Pein. Say Pein. Say Pein. Say Pein. Say Pein. Say Pein. Say Pein. Say Pein. Say Pein. Say Pein. Say Pein. Say Pein. Say Pein. Say Pein. Say Pein. Say Pein. Say Pein. Say Pein. Say Pein. Say Pein. Say Pein. Say Pein. Say Pein. Say Pein. Say Pein. Say Pein. Say Pein. Say Pein. Say Pein. Say Pein. Say Pein. Say Pein. Say Pein. Say Pein. Say Pein. Say Pein. Say Pein. Say Pein. Say Pein. Say Pein. Say Pein. Say Pein. Say Pein. Say Pein. Say Pein. Say Pein. Say Pein. Say Pein. Say Pein.

"Jiraiya-sama"

**YES!! I finally finished this chappie! WHOO HOO!! Yay for me! Sorry for being dead but school was killer. So, let me know what you guys think, and let me know if it sucked.**


	6. Pure Hell

**Muchos Gracias to 247wannabeninja246, nii-chan3 and aeae. And here we go –drumroll- CHAPTER SIX!! WHOOHOO!! Read away, and remember to review.**

This was a joke.

Clearly this was a joke.

Jiraiya was an eighty year old fart. Konan was…not eighty. Why in the world would she want Jiraiya? Maybe all that paper folding had gone to her head.

_Uh…Konan-chan..are you sure?_

Konan nodded slowly.

Gloria the fish made an odd gurgling noise. Apparently it was having stomach trouble.

Pein ran his fingers through his orange hair. This was complete and utter insanity. "Konan…how can you…like him? I killed him! And you watched!"

Konan gave a slight shrug. "I had a crush on him when we weren't trying to kill him. Besides, just because you love a person dearly doesn't mean you can't stand back and watch as he gets torn apart by your allies."

"…right…" Pein said, a bit unsure. Most people he knew would be pretty mad if he tried to kill someone they liked.

"Besides… have you read his books?" Konan asked, and just for a moment, Pein could see a glimpse of an emotion, but it disappeared as fast as it came.

_Sigh…fine…but you know that he will be resurrected and will probably choose Tsunade and-_

"We are NOT kidnapping the fifth hokage." Pein shouted. "That would cause unnecessary problems! We can't afford to have those yet."

Konan raised an eyebrow. "I believe I can provide a suitable argument for Jiraiya. Now resurrect him. Now."

_What's the magic word?_

"A.H.R-dono" Konan said without hesitation. Pein rolled his eyes.

_Uhh…before I do the jutsu I need to release the hypnotism on the rest of them._

Pein furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. That made no sense. "Why…?" He asked.

_Because…well…uhhh…Because I said so! HAH!!_

Pein frowned. Something wasn't right here. Of course, that statement was incredibly stupid. Nothing was right. But he was beginning to get a sneaking suspicion that this voice actually _wanted_ for them to suffer. But no, that's ridiculous. If she wanted to make him suffer, why would she be bringing back his minions?

With everyone back, he would be able to attack full force. And with Naruto practically handed to him on a golden plate (Itachi wouldn't mind) they would finally have all the tailed beasts. And with Tobi being…not Madara Uchiha, Pein could do whatever he wanted.

A familiar noise came and yet another portal, and another guy fell out. Pein blinked in awareness. He must have dozed off for a second or two.

Jiraiya did not look happy. For one thing, now everyone was back to normal, and yelling at everyone else in a deafening way.

Another thing was, was that Jiraiya had been enjoying being dead, and frankly he hated the fact he had to end up here.

"I'm gonna kill you A.H.R-dono" He roared at the ceiling.

Why was Pein the only one who saw the problem in calling an invisible source 'dono'?

"WHO SMASHED MY WIFE UN?"

"Gloria! You're here!"

"Your love is a fish 'Tebayo?"

"Shut up Naruto. You're not allowed to talk."

"Money…where's the money?"

"MMMMMFFFFFF!!"

Pein covered his ears as the room began to fill with complaints and curses and such. What was worse was that dust started flying everywhere and attempted to get in everyone's eyes.

Gloria now looked positively green.

Konan walked towards Jiraiya and whispered something in his ear. Jiraiya turned a bright red.

"Uhh…A.H.R-dono? Yeah, I choose Konan. Yeah…"

Pein felt his jaw dropped. The world had truly ended. Was he going to have to kill Jiraiya all over again?

"ERO-SENNIN!!" Naruto roared and tackled Jiraiya in a big hug.

"Erf…Naruto?" Jiraiya asked in disbelief. "Who the heck chose you as their OTP?"

The more important question was why everyone knew what this 'OTP' was and why they were here, Pein mused.

"Itachi did Dattebayo! The entire Uchiha clan is a bunch of sickos!!" Naruto retorted.

Jiraiya gave a sympathetic nod and muttered 'figures' under his breath.

Itachi, using his hearing senses, grabbed Naruto by the neck and started cursing at him.

"THIS WAS NOT MY FAULT!" He roared.

_Well that's good. Ok then. I guess that's everyone the- Oh Right! Itachi-kun!_

Itachi looked up from strangling Naruto. "What?" He hissed venomously as Naruto turned a pleasant shade of blue.

_Remember? Do you wanna be turned into a girl or not?_

"Why can't this idiot just be turned into a girl?!" He roared, motioning to Naruto who was now a deep shade of purple.

_Itachi-kun! I'm not a miracle worker!! Stop being so irrational!_

BOOM!

Clay splattered everywhere. Then, Gloria opened her mouth, and some very disgusting contents flowed out. Including Tobi.

Tobi was absolutely covered in disgusting gunk. His mask was now a shade of green.

"Tobi…is…a good…boy" He said waving his frying pan around wildly. He swung it and accidentally hit Zetsu in the head. Not that it mattered; Zetsu had been cactusfied by Haku anyway.

Everyone cringed at the horrible smell. Ino immediately grabbed a magazine to look for an air freshener.

Itachi gave one glance at the disgusting smell that was Tobi, and returned his attention to the voice.

"All right…My choice is-"

Unfortunately, he was cut off by an explosion of such gigantic proportions not even 72' font could possibly show you how monumentally large it was.

The ceiling had burst entirely, and everyone stared in a horrified wonderment. The smoke cleared up- and a single man was shown to be the culprit.

It wasn't the culprits height that scared everyone- he was only average.

It wasn't his weapon, all he carried were some odd green rocks with metal bits sticking out of them.

What scared them all was who the person was. By himself he wasn't considered a particularly scary person. But what was so scary was that the person who had blown up the ceiling-

Was Tobi.

Tobi was covered in gunk on the floor, smelling horribly.

Tobi was on top of the giant cellar, looking down on them, glaring at everyone evilly. He jumped down, and for once, there was complete silence.

The original Tobi threw his frying pan at this new Tobi.

"I'M TOBI!! I'M TOBI!! I'M THE GOOD BOY!!" He roared and the frying pan hit this new Tobi at lightning speed.

Correction it hit a log- and the new Tobi appeared behind the original Tobi and withdrew and odd metal cylinder like thing.

HE pulled this odd like trigger and-

BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM!

Little bloody holes appeared in the original Tobi, and he collapsed.

Pein widened his eyes in horror. In any other moment he would have kicked this guy's ass, but with the voice pulling the strings, he didn't even want to take that chance.

There was an awkward silence as everyone looked at this new Tobi.

"I'm the real Tobi" He snarled. "Or, more correctly- I am the real Madara Uchiha."

Relief flooded in. Pein felt himself begin to smile, but he stopped himself. But inside, he was happy. This was Madara! The real Tobi!

"This!" He yelled pointing at the Tobi who was probably dead. "Is FF!Tobi!"

"grmmfh?"

"What is this 'ff' you speak of?" Haku translated.

Tobi took off his mask, revealing his face. It was horribly scarred. "When I tried that jutsu, Kisame and the other Peins were lucky enough to get sucked in. But I and Sasuke, were not that lucky."

_Uhhh…MOVE ALONG EVERYONE!! NOTHING TO SEE HERE!!_

"A.H.R-dono" Madara hissed, "This must get out."

"So…" Kisame asked uncomfortably, "What is this 'FF' thing?"

"FF is this alternate world. Where are faults…or are quirks are exaggerated to the point of inhumanity." Madara said calmly.

_SHUT UP HES LYING!!_

Itachi must have had selective hearing. "Sasuke…! He was affected to!?"

Madara nodded.

"Then…does he…not love Naruto?" Itachi asked

Madara was about to open his mouth- when a giant lightning bolt zapped him.

…

_Eh-heh…well, that was weird, he must escaped from a loony bin or something!?_

"A.H.R-dono" Kakuzu began "Whats going on?"

_Nothing…! Nothing at all!_

Temari withdrew her fan. "Tell us now!" She hissed.

Pein narrowed his eyes. Something wasn't right.

All of a sudden, there was an odd crackling noise.

_Damn it…_

And the voice did not come back. There was another awkward silence

But not for long, another explosion and one of the walls burst. This time the culprit was entire army.

But it just wasn't any army. It was themselves!

Itachi, Ino, Kakuzu, Konan. There were all there. But something was different about them. Maybe it was because This Itachi seemed to be screeching 'Hatred' at the top of his lungs.

Maybe it was because Deidara seemed to be oddly girly and cheerful.

Maybe it was because Haku really was a girl.

Or Maybe it was because there was another Tobi- only this one with goggles instead of a mask- and about eight different Peins. All of them who looked really really different. One of them even looked exactly like fourth Hokage!

Sasuke was at the lead. He wore black make up for some reason. "ATTACK!' He roared. And all chaos broke out.

Kakuzu attacked Kakuzu. Although frankly speaking, there weren't too many differences between them.

Unfortunately, they were outnumbered. These 'FF's seemed to have recruited the entire Konoha.

Pein began to back away slowly, but then he was cornered by a bunch of Akatsukis.

"I'm the Fourth Hokage. I'm the leader of the Akatsuki!" Said one of them. But he was then tackled by another guy with blonde hair.

"No!! I'm Naruto from the future! I'm the leader of the Akatsuki!"

"No!! I'm Nawaki!! I'm the leader!"

Then a weird guy showed up who was completely black. As if he was only a shadow. "I'm the leader of the Akatsuki! Fear my ominosity!!"

Pein just scoffed. "I am the leader. You're just a bunch of losers."

That was an incredibly dumb and stupid mistake. One by one, they turned to him, and proceeded to attack him.

Then the wall opposite of the one that had previously been blown up, blew up.

This time, even more people showed up. Yet another Sasuke was at the lead. "I DO NOT LOVE NARUTO!!" He screamed, and they plunged into the battle.

Ino fought Ino.

Sakura fought Sakura.

But just when it seemed like it was hopeless- yet another wall exploded.

The culprits who exploded this wall, appeared to be the ninja who blew up the last wall, only a lot younger, and shorter.

Sasuke was at the lead. Again. "SHIPPUDEN SUCKS!" He yelled.

Pein fought his way through the fake leaders. He dodge the two Konans who were fighting.

He paused briefly to marvel at the five way battle between Two Itachis and Three Sasukes, who were all bent on killing each other. Except for one Itachi who was just trying to kill the other Itachi.

Then ,as if by a miracle, the two dead Tobis rose up. Tobi with the frying pan attacked Tobi with the Goggles. Madara Tobi withdrew an odd green rock. He pulled a metal stick off of it, and threw it at a random spot.

KABOOM

A huge enough explosion to rival Deidara. But no none seemed to die, they just fell back, and went on to fighting.

A random Kunai whizzed pass Pein. It tore out one of his piercings on his nose. He yelled in pain.

Then the dust gathered in a Hidan shape. He cursed at everyone .and cursed at FF!Hidan, who strangely, was doing the exact same thing.

Gloria broke out of the tank and began to eat whoever was in sight.

The Zetsus ate each other.

Pein couldn't take it anymore. His tolerance had fizzled out a long, long, time ago. It just wasn't worth it. Screw teaching everyone about pain. The only one experiencing pain here was he. This was real pain. Forget about being stuck in a country with a clichéd tragic past. This took the cake. Stuck in a cellar with a bunch of idiots.

Even though only a wall and the floor were left standing, no one left. Pein hesitantly walked to the edge of the floor, and was about to step outside when a Hyuuga was thrown out of the 'cellar' and promptly disintegrated.

He was stuck here.

Another explosion.

More screaming and cursing. Pein couldn't take it anymore. He grabbed a nearby Kunai, and plunged it into his heart.

Nothing happened.

He withdrew the kunai, it was bloody, and he had certainly felt the pain. WHY WAS HE NOT DEAD?

So he tried again, and again, and again.

_Feeling Emo today, aren't we Pein-kun?_

No reaction from anyone else. They kept on clawing each other's eyes out.

"Shut up you." Pein cried out. "I am SICK of this. I don't care anymore! I have been through hell and back. I don't care."

_That is great. Really. But Pein-kun, I would stop if I were you. You are looking quite gory at the moment._

Pein laughed. It was blend of insanity and impulsiveness. "I. Don't. Care." He said, and stabbed himself again. Why wasn't he dying?

_Pein-kun…really, I pull the threads around here, you won't die that easily._

Pein widened his eyes in hatred. "You…you're the reason I can't die?"

_Well…sort of…That's kind of a complicated-_

"STOP IT!! I HATE THIS!! I HATE YOU ALL" Pein screeched. He was getting desperate. All those hours of listening to people bicker had finally taken its toll.

Then a slight word clicked in Peins head. The magic words. Desperation taking over Pein uttered. "A…A.H.R-dono." The words were like acid.

"Please…I'd rather go to hell then be here."

All he got was a laugh. It wasn't a cold laugh, or a cruel laugh. It was an honest laugh that a person gives when people hear something funny.

"What…is…so god damn FUNNY?" He roared.

_Ah, Pein-kun, Pein-kun, Pein-kun. You can be so smart, yet you are ravaged by stupidity sometimes. I had assumed you knew._

"Knew? Knew what? I'm stuck in a cellar where the whole world has gone mad! No kill me! Kill me now! I don't care where I go!" Pein cried out desperately.

_Pein-kun…_

"What?" He cried out hoarsely.

_You are in hell Pein-kun._

…

"What…what do you…?" Pein asked in disbelief, fumbling over words.

All around him, everything disintegrated, and he was left in a white nothingness.

The scene materialized showing a dead Pein lying on the ground, eyes wide open, dead locked on the ceiling. A triumphant Naruto stood over him.

"Ero-sennin" Naruto whispered. "I have avenged you."

The scene disappeared and went back to the chaos previously mentioned.

_Pein-kun, you died a while ago. It's been eighty years since then. You have been condemned to live the rest of your life in a personal hell._

Pein gave a hoarse laugh. "You lying it can't be true. I would know if eighty years had gone by!"

_Five…_

Pein sank down in hopelessness. Hell? This couldn't be true. He didn't believe in hell. He couldn't have died so easily. He just couldn't have

_Four…_

He had failed. He never succeed at his quest. The world would never understand the pain he had felt…

_Three…_

He looked up. What in fucks name was the voice doing now?

_Two…_

"OI!!" Pein roared. Waving his arms frantically.

_One…_

"WHAT THE HELL AR YOU-

_Zero._

…

…

…

…

…

Dead.

Everyone was completely and utter dead.

That was what Pein mournfully thought as he was stuck in a small dank cellar with an all to cheerful Tobi. Tobi had been running around the cellar for eight hours straight yelling at the top of his lungs TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!! It was annoying the first time, after eight hours, Pein was surprised he had not been driven insane.

How did this happen?

Oh yeah, everyone had to go and freaking die.

_And So, Pein was condemned to live the rest of his life in a time loop. Forced to suffer every agony a million times over. Rumor has it that if you go to the right cellar, if you listen hard enough you can still hear a tiny high pitched squeal._

'_Tobi is a good boy' _

**Finite**


End file.
